Sunday, 15 January 2012


Valenia Revnik was kind enough to share with me this notecard which he sent a prospective sub:-

1) Verbal Assignment - What is it that YOU need? D/s relationships aren't just about what the sub can do for the dom, but also what the dom can do for the sub. I'm writing things that I need from you to take steps in this relationship, but what do you need from ME? What are things you need to know? What is something that you would need for me to do? Any good relationship is a two-way street, so I want you to think critically of what you'd need to see from me to move forward with this. This doesn't need to be answered today, or even at all, but you do need to think about it. If you ever think of something, do not hesitate to tell me.

2) Written Assignment - What are you looking for? For this assignment, I want you to tell me what it is you're looking for in a relationship. What kind of dynamic do you looking for? How do you want to behave for your dominant, ideally? What do you need from your dominant? What are your long and short term goals in such a relationship? Just describe to me your absolute ideal D/S situation. If we get into a permanent relationship, what would you ultimately want out it? What would want out of me? What would you want out of yourself? Take your time in writing this. There is no hurry. I'd rather wait for it to be complete than in my hands immediately.

3) Extra bits That should be enough to keep you busy for a bit, yeah? I'm glad I met you, sweetheart. I don't want you to worry about trying to please me through this whole process; I want you to concentrate on honest compatibility. If an assignment feels boring or unnecessary, tell me. If anything I do feels pushy or uncomfortable, tell me. I do not in any way want you to mold yourself for me, at this point. If something isn't perfect, do not change yourself for me; tell me what the conflict is, and then we can discuss the best way of approaching it together. Take care, dear. We'll talk soon.
When he showed me this, two thoughts hit me. The first was, "Thank you! I'm not uber weird! Somebody else is approaching D/s in the same way I do". Sometimes it seems like subs either think that Dommes/Doms are mind readers, or instinctively know what a sub needs and thats what makes them Ds. Or they feel that a sub shouldn't actually have any needs.

My second thought was that this is a stroke of genius to set this as an assignment. I beat my head against a wall with this subject, asking what a sub needs. Often the only answer I can get is, "I want what you want Ma'am"... or words to that effect. Could this be a better approach?

Having had time to think about it, I like to talk at length with my subs, teasing out answers. I'm not sure that this approach is right for my style. Although a combination of the two could work wonders (I'm not suggesting that  Valenia doesn't talk).

But the reason I post this here is to illustrate that there is more to this than, "Come here girl, kneel before me". And D/s relationship is still a relationship. And if a relationship isn't equally beneficial to both parties, it is doomed to fail. And being dominant as a personality does not give you special magic powers to know what a submissive personality wants. There really isn't any such thing as a typical sub, they are all different and have different needs. The drives may be similar, but they will be expressed in different ways.

If you are the kind of submissive who is very patient, then you can wait for your Dom/Domme to find all your buttons, we tend to be good at that. Or you can save a load of time by being open about it. However, I suspect that very few have actually pondered this question...

The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent
from the bottom. -- Joseph Bean

Am I Dominant or Submissive?
It seems people come along and want to have a go at BDSM, love the idea of some bondage and spanking, so they ask themselves, "Am I Dominant or Submissive?".

They have given themselves a false dichotomy right there, because you don't have to be either. It isn't an on/off thing, and if you are actually somewhere in the middle of the scale, then you are probably neither.

...worse still is that it is that people already here who seem to have little understanding of this, and saying, "Oh, you are a sub, subs must behave this way".

Within 'the scene' there doesn't seem to be universal agreement about terminology,  and I'm probably the worst person to talk about this because I largely ignore the scene anyway. But pick the bones out of this...

The behaviors of bottoms and submissives are similar, and in many cases overlap. For this reason, the terms are used interchangeably in some discussions, although there are differences between the two. Behaviors of submissives and bottoms often overlap, with the bottom also being submissive, but this is not always the case. Someone who is "topping" may be doing so at the request, or even the direction, of the bottom partner(s). In such a case, the dominant's function would reside with the bottom(s). Tops who act within this kind of relationship dynamic are sometimes called a service tops. A bottom who has dominance over the activities or the relationship is said to be topping from the bottom, even though they are really expressing dominance from the bottom.

Well, sub or bottom, you'll get no problems from me. It's a free country baby, you do what you wanna do. If you want to top from the bottom I won't think any the less of you. But I really don't think it helps to take somebody who wants to be tied up, used and abused, and forcing the label of 'submissive' on them.

So next time somebody asks you, "Are you Dom or sub?", take a step back.