Thursday, 9 February 2012

I'm a hater

Yes I'm a hater and proud of it. Given the choice, 'hater' is not the word I would use, but it's the label given out by those hippy types who believe that you should mind your own business and 'live and let live'.

Worse still, these  fuzzy-thinking, bed-wetters seem to hold the view that because every arse hole is entitled to an opinion, all opinions are equally valid.

It's this whole business of 'teaching both sides of the controversy' when there is no controversy, and the bat-shit rantings of a loony in a tin-foil hat are given equal credence as the expert opinions of a climatologist or an evolutionary biologist. It's becoming a problem the world over.

Everybody is entitled to an opinion, and they are entitled to their freedom of speech, and the rest of us are entitled to call them on their bullshit. Do you remember the story of the Emperor's new clothes? You wouldn't if the little boy had kept his mouth shut for fear of being called a 'hater', just like all the other bozos.

One of the reasons I have a dominant and assertive personality is that I have principles and strong core values from which I could never be moved apart from by critical thought. I also give a fuck about what I see going on around me. So there is no way I'm going to be silenced by an Internet meme.


I read something interesting the other day, something like, "Go to a mush, get involved with your local BDSM community, they tend not to tolerate the idiots and they get weeded out very quickly". Of course, because they are a community, unlike what we find on the internet where they culture is to do your own thing and don't mind other people's business.

Weeding out idiots, the criminal, the dangerous and those that don't share their values, is what communities do.

Any 'D' who has been at this a while must have noticed that a fair number of subs are vulnerable. You'll find subs that are taking medication for depression/anxiety, many that have been in abusive relationships (physical or emotional). There are those that have suffered sexual abuse as adults or children. I have even run across those that struggle with substance abuse. And just as in any group of people, there are a few who are just naive and easily lead into trouble. And many will readily confess they have little confidence and low self esteem.
I can't even begin to guess what sort of percentage of subs/bottoms could be classed as vulnerable -- maybe I attract them but in my experience it is almost half, and friends also inform me that's it's not uncommon.

Personally I'm not the type to get too upset over stuff that happens on the Internet, let alone in role-play, but I know many are. For me, I suppose, it's live-and-learn, school of hard knocks.

...but what about when a dum-dom wants to take things into real life? Do you stand by and say nothing? Apparently most people do.

Suppose you see somebody who starts their profile by saying they are an asshole or evil, ends by telling you they aren't stupid, and in-between seems to do everything in their ability to prove that they ARE stupid and know nothing of D/s... what do you do?

It's not really cause for drastic action, they are probably just a harmless idiot right?

But what if their profile shows they have a preoccupation with bestiality, or hints at age-play, and they are openly looking for financial domination and blackmail?

If you can't see there is a recipe for disaster here... you may have a seriously self destructive streak. I lose count of the times I have said in my head, "What the fuck were you thinking?".

The credo is 'Safe, Sane and Consensual', and when we talk about consent, we of course mean 'informed consent'. You can't give your consent unless you are fully informed about what you are getting into -- due diligence is required. If I ask questions I'm just helping with that. Sane is often taken to mean knowing the difference between fantasy and reality, so I tend to pick on people who are asking for RL interaction yet seem to have both feet on a cloud. But lets not rule out that some people are insane or dangerously insane. And I tend to pick up on people who want to engage in activities which by their very nature are unsafe. And lets not kid ourselves, some paraphilias are clear indicators that a person isn't that interested in consent.

In good conscience, would you really recommend to a sub that they willingly allowed them self to be blackmailed by somebody who doesn't know the difference between punctuation and punctuality? Who is interested in bestiality and rape fantasy, and who fills their profile full of paranoid rantings and threats.

Every now and again, I can't hold my tongue and just have to challenge somebody who posts in a group, usually I challenge them on something in their profile. I don't want to get into a slagging match, as it's not productive. But I will ask questions, let the target speak and with their own words show what fools they are. Often I can only respond with contempt wrapped in sarcasm. When I see 3-4 red flags in one profile, is it so wrong to draw attention to it?

Last time I did this, can you guess what happened? A Domme jumped in with the live-and-let-live defense and a shit-load of excuses, a Dom decided to turn into as pissing contest between him and me, and several subs also chipped in with abuse directed at me, one attempting to spam/troll/grief me in the most childish manner via IMs.

Don't get me wrong... I'm not upset that 4-5 people would gang up on me, I love a good fight and you better believe I held my own. And I'm not upset that people would call me on what's written in my profile or what I say in chat -- I welcome it. It makes me look good because I am an expert at being me, but I don't pretend to be an expert D/s, BDSM or even being a Domme*. And I don't want to be the policeman of the BDSM community, nor am I  trying to be. The community should be self policing.

This really isn't about me, in fact I know I'm not alone in my thoughts. I know a few good people who feel the same way, and I have run across several people who have been jumped on when they express their opinions publicly.

I don't believe you need to be an expert to act like a good citizen. I also believe you should stand up for  what you know is right, and stand up and be counted when it comes to protecting your community and the people in it.

What upsets me is that people would be so stupid as to think that keeping the peace and stomping out drama takes precedent over all else.

In the example I cited above, sure one Dom obviously wanted to score points off me for his own aggrandizement, he also scored points off the person I was targeting. But all the others jumped in with the intent to silence me. To label me a 'hater' and trouble maker. Keeping in mind I entered into this with caution, asking questions (albeit sarcastic questions) and not outright accusations statements of fact, which frankly, I feel would have been justified. I am certain such an approach would have been met with even greater hostility.

I'm not asking for a crusade. But as there seem to have been a number of groups that have sprung up that have discussion meetings, I do hope this whole topic will become the subject of a discussion.


I just remembered...

On a couple of occasions I have taken issue with people which has led to an exchange in local chat. In one example I can think of I was dealing with somebody who had a very real contempt for women; not just common sexism, but something bordering on hatred.

I was told by a couple of people to take it to IMs. That they saw no reason why I couldn't have my fight privately and spare everyone the drama.

I guess this is the 'secrecy' that Swan mentions in one of her recent posts.

When I see a red flag, a clear warning sign, I feel I should make sure everybody else sees it too and is aware of the danger. There is no way I'm going to take it to IMs and help these arseholes to hide their warning flags. Because thats their modus operandi and exactly how they want it.

If they had wanted everybody to know, they would have insulted and attacked me in local in the first place. But they know their behavior is anti-social and damn-right wrong in any context, but they think they can get away with it because it is kept private. And yes, we are talking about men who have sent me unsolicited messages designed to insult, belittle, harass and bully.

Bullies are fairly easy to deal with, they are by their very nature weak and pathetic. It's the self righteous twats, who think they are doing us all a favour by keeping the peace... the kind of people who cry 'Hater' or say, "Take it to IMs" who are the ones who have caused parts of SL to descend into a cesspool.

* Disclaimer - I do not presume to educate people about BDSM, D/s, Roleplay, sexual health or anything else! I don't have nearly enough experience to speak with any authority on these matters. I am quite happy to allow people to do what they want to do, content with the fact that often I just don't get it.
However I do have plenty of life experience and I can recognize 'mad, bad and/or sad' when I see it. This is what I tend to call people on.
I am fairly certain that other people who have touched on this subject feel that if they were able to speak freely, they could educate -- I have no objection to that and would welcome it regarding matters on which there were consensus, and which prompted debate. I think it would be great...

...but right now I want to head off any accusations of, "Who the fuck are you to tell us how it should be done?". I don't lecture anybody how it should be done, but you should be prepared to justify what you do... or not. If you aren't prepared to answer questions from me, then maybe you should go and ask them of yourself.


  1. i loved your post and im gonna subscribe to your blog ! i think there are many people in the sl bdsm community that have had enough with the entire situation. i get many ims from other submissives complaining about this very topic. and, i know there are decent Doms out there but most of them already own property and are not engaged in the endless revolving door of subs that come and go for the bottom feeding tops who lurk around bdsm sims in sl. These tops are predators online and have free reign and if anyone speaks out they get attacked.

    1. Thanks Swan. I already follow your blog and... saw you at the ranch the other day... loved the outfit! (Priorities right?)

      Anyway, you latest post gave a very different and interesting perspective, approaching the subject from a whole other angle.